World Prematurity Day

I am taking a break from talking about lung cancer to write a post in honor of my amazing daughters. These little fighters came into the world at 32 weeks, after several almost-deliveries (and almost-miscarriages) in the preceding few months. Mikaela pulled the ejection cord, as Jason likes to put it, and they were delivered by emergency c-section (like, SUPER emergency c-section) on March 8, 2011.

I had been in the hospital on bed rest since 28 weeks because of placenta previa. I am very thankful that I was in the hospital that night, since I had a massive bleed and the doctors got me from my room, into the surgery suite, and got both girls out in under 10 minutes.

Man, I just can't do anything the easy way, can I?

The girls spent the next 4 weeks in the NICU, hooked up to tubes and monitors. I remember looking at their tiny arms and wondering how in the world the nurses got an IV into those veins. To this day, when I am getting poked (often repeatedly) to put in an IV, I think back on what my little girls went through when they were too small to understand what was going on. If they endured it, who am I to complain?

Thank you, Mikaela and Autumn, for teaching me how to fight, how to thrive, and how to beat the odds. You are growing into such fabulous little people who keep me laughing and bursting with love everyday. I am so lucky to be your mom.

PS - I really didn't want to talk about cancer stuff in this post, but I would be remiss if I did not mention that I got my scan results and they were stable. No more shrinkage detected, but no growth either. As I explained in An Exciting Time to Have Cancer, stable is one of the good results of a scan. And if you had forgotten that I was waiting for scan results, then just forget about this PS and go back to admiring my wonderful little girls.

32 Weeks!!!

(Big sigh of relief) We have made it to a major milestone, 32 weeks pregnant (the point at which survival and disability rates greatly improve). I remember when this felt so far away.

So what's the plan now? ... um, no one seems to know. Frankly, I don't think the doctors expected that we would make it this far. So when I asked where we go from here, there was sort of a vague "let's see what happens" response. If things stay just as they are, there is no reason to deliver the girls yet. One doctor said that I might even make it to 36 weeks, and he offhandedly said that then the girls could skip the NICU, stay with me in my room, breast feed right away, and we could all go home together. I think my jaw actually dropped. Another doctor got squirmy at this and said we should focus on trying to get to 34 weeks. I was stunned. We have been bracing ourselves for any number of challenging outcomes, starting back with my first visit from the NICU doctors at 25 weeks, who explained what it would mean to have the girls born so early (in a nutshell, not good). I have accepted that I most likely would not see the girls when they are born as they would be whisked away to the NICU immediately, where they would stay for months. So to think that, after such a crazy pregnancy, there is a possibility that everything could turn out so normal? I feel like I shouldn't even dare hope for that.

So, my new goal is to make it to my birthday with these girls still growing in my belly. On my 35th birthday, I will be 33 weeks and 6 days pregnant. If I go to sleep that night still pregnant, we will have hit the 34 week mark (which is considered "late preterm"). Pretty good birthday wish, I think.

In other news, I have put on just shy of 50 lbs during this pregnancy! Amazing! I am now 1.5x my pre-pregnancy weight. I am one-and-a-half Toris! No wonder it feels like my ribs are trying to split in half.

Good job, little girls. Keep growing strong!

Simplicity of Purpose or Life as a Human Incubator

These past few weeks in the hospital have given me a very simplified way of approaching each day. Essentially, my one purpose right now it to keep the girls safe for as long as I possibly can. It is a strange feeling, knowing that I really only have one goal each day. And every morning that I wake up still pregnant, I have completed my goal for the previous day. It kind of reminds me of when I was on chemo (though that was WAAAAY more crappy) in that my one goal then was to get better. Every day that I got through another treatment or got over another infection brought me one step closer to a healthy outcome.

We are at 31.5 weeks now, so every day I feel a tiny bit less terrified. I realized that I had my first hospitalization at the beginning of December, which means that we've been living with this worry/danger/stress constantly hanging over our heads for three months. Yeah, it hasn't been a very fun pregnancy!

Living in the hospital has given me a deeper understanding of what it feels like to be a two-year-old. As I mentioned in the last post, one of the few things I'm allowed to do is walk across the hall to refill my water cup. So when a thoughtful nurse goes and gets a fresh cup of water for me, I kind of feel like stomping my feet and yelling, "I can do it BY MYSELF!" the way a certain two year old I know does. Most of the time I try to jokingly explain that I have permission to go to the water area so I really look forward to it, but it gets tiresome to explain that every 8 or 12 hours at shift change.

On a happier note, this hospitalization has shown me that we really have become part of a community here. I'm not sure when I stopped thinking of myself as being new in town, but somewhere along the way my family developed a nice group of people who have shown their lovely support through this trying time. Thank you to everyone!

Thoughts from the Minimum Security Prison

I was joking with Jason that I kinda feel like I'm in a minimum security prison. He told me that he saw a special on a minimum security prison in Canada. "Oh, no," he said, "they have MUCH more freedom than you do."

I have "bathroom privileges" (really, that's what they are called, as if I have done something to earn the right to use the bathroom and if I misbehave that right could be revoked), and after some convincing I got permission to go across the hall to refill my water cup.

It's not so bad, really. I have a room with windows, and fairly decent food (though it gets very repetitive), and I've had lots of people stop by and drop off treats, movies, magazines and books to occupy my time. I'm very, very thankful that I am still pregnant and that the girls are growing just as they should be. We are at 30.5 weeks now, getting closer and closer to the safe(r) zone of 32 weeks.

The worst part is being away from "my guys" and I miss all sorts of little stuff. I miss reading Z his bedtime stories, and he was just starting to search for the goldbug in "Car and Trucks and Things That Go," which was my absolute favorite thing about the Richard Scarry books when I was a kid. I am astounded at how well Jason is juggling everything. I mean, wow. I always knew he was a great guy, but I appreciate him now more than ever. They visit me daily which is the highlight of my day, but I still miss all the little incidental moments of day to day life with them.

It feels strange not being able to plan anything. There is this vague worry constantly hanging over my head, knowing that any day I might have to have an emergency c-section, so it is hard to think much beyond one day at a time.

Ultimately, in this current moment both the girls and I are healthy. And that is a good thing.

Question: Where's Tori?

Answer: In the hospital. Yes, this pregnancy has been quite crazy, and now it looks like I will be in the hospital until the girls are born, which will hopefully be no sooner than early March. Jason is doing an amazing job in the "single dad" role, and I am incredibly thankful for the support I have from my friends and family, particularly Melissa who let Jason drop Zander off at 4 am so he could join me in the hospital (thankfully things calmed down and I am still pregnant). Wow, I'm a very lucky person.

Thank you for all the prayers, well-wishes, positive thoughts, meditations etc etc that people have sent. I hope to keep these girls safe inside until we at least reach 32 weeks.

Belly

I just made a belly cast for my 9-month pregnant sister Rachele. It was a lot like making a plaster face mask, but on a stomach. Part way through she had a contraction, and by that time the plaster around her belly was mostly dry so you could see her stomach pull away from the mold and change shape as she was standing there. How cool is that? I very quickly got over the "intimacy" of the project as I slipped into Tori-as-artist mode, and she became a series of curves and lines instead of my sister standing naked in the living room.

Her midwife came around for a check-up today and she had me feel where the baby's foot was pushing against Rachele's side. Totally amazing. Rachele doesn't really look pregnant from behind, so sometimes I forget then freak out when she turns around and has this big stomach.