I have tried to logic my way out of it, by telling myself that nothing is significantly different before they tell me the results versus after, the only difference is my knowing.
That kind of helps.
I have tried to comfort myself with numbers which, incidentally, is how I had such a wonderful drug-free birth with Zander (keep the mind busy so it cannot address the pain!). Currently, I am trying to quantify my fear of various outcome. If there are between 1 and 2 new mets, then I will feel somewhat fearful. If there are 3 to 5 new mets, then I will feel moderately terrified. If there are greater than 6 new mets, then I will feel very scared.
This has been somewhat helpful.
I would be nice to use a lovely bottle of wine to address the fear, but I am trying to protect my liver so that option is out. I heard from a fellow lung cancer survivor that she pops a Valium to get through the horrible waiting. Doesn't sound like such a bad idea to me!
While I was in the waiting room for the CT scan, drinking the oral contrast solution, I got into a conversation with two ladies who were also consuming this lovely beverage. In a very thoughtful attempt to make the drink palatable, the nurses mix it with a flavoring syrup. Our site offered banana, vanilla, berry, and mocha. I opted for the berry, which my cohort agreed tastes fine at first, but by the second cup (yes, we have to drink two large cups) is much too sweet. One lady asked the nurse if she could prepare a flight of contrasts so we could sample each. I don't think the nurse found this quite as funny as we did.
Instead, we pooled our knowledge and decided that banana is disgusting, berry is okay, vanilla is rather bland, and mocha is pretty decent, though a bit strong. One woman then came up with the idea to mix mocha and vanilla, which she tried for her second drink and said, "Actually, this is really good!" I know what I am getting next time.
I guess my sleepless night was for nothing - the results of my scan were good, showing more shrinkage of my main tumor, and stability or shrinkage of the others.
Now, off to chemo!
Thanks, as always, for all the love and support.