Enough

We returned from our marvelous vacation last night, the first time the five of us have taken a vacation together (please, please don’t say it will be the last).

My high point of the trip was visiting the beach where Jason and I got married, and introducing our children to the ocean.

I wanted to catch that moment and hold onto it forever.

If I stayed here all day, all week, all month, would it be enough?

When I was diagnosed, I hoped I would live long enough to see my son start kindergarten.

If only I could stay alive long enough....

Then I hoped to live to see my girls enter kindergarten.

Stay alive long enough....

Now I hope to see my son into middle school.

But I’ve realized it will never be enough.

Even if I make it another 11 years so they all become adults, I will still want more.

Being so very aware of mortality is painful and poignant and achingly nostalgic. There will never be enough of this life.

So I cling to the sunshine and memories from our glorious week and let those carry me into my terrifyingly hopeful week of testing and (if all goes well) experimental cancer treatments. Almost overwhelming, but fortune favors the bold, as they say.

I have a few good luck charms from our vacation traveling with me.

And then, these showed up on my porch this morning, from my dear friend Lily. Ruby slippers for my trip to Oz.